I still live.

Oh man has it been forever since I updated this thing or not?? Wow, haven't written since London Expo! I should be ashamed, holy shit.
For those who care, the following days after Expo I mostly hung out with Fia, Micki and Cim in London. Expo was finished Sunday, I was home at Monday, though on Tuesday and Wednesday I was with them and had a great time.
We went to The Forbidden Planet (which is fucking heaven, I swear! Omfg!) where I almost felt sorry for Micki and Fia who had to hang around and wait for Cim and me to finish fret and run crazy among all the comic. We bought some stuff and left after... what.. 2 hours?

We didn't do much other than to walk around and look, though on Wednesday we ran around to find Baker Street and some other Sherlock-related places.

They left back to Sweden on Thursday, so I haven't really seen them since. Though we skype a lot - I especially talk with Fia and Cim a lot. I MISS THEM AHGHAH. Hopefully I can save up to go to NärCon in Sweden this summer, though. That's my great goal!


But of course, that is months ago! Christmas has passed as well as my birthday and now I have filled 18. Not only that, I have entered a new fandom; Rise of the Guardians and I am basically counting down when the DVD is released. Also we've moved to a new house. Here, have a sneak peek on my bedroom.

I'll fix a better photo as soon as I've got everything where it should be. Also - on an different note - I really love my new microphone.

So basically the last few weeks has been hectic due to the moving. It went well, however, and the house - or at least my bedroom - is starting to feel like home. The rest of the house is nice too, though still a little "stiff" in a way? Like, I'm not used to it and we haven't gotten all the furniture up yet and placed it all where it should be.
As soon as everything is the way it should, I'll post some photos to show how it is here.

On an other note, my birthday was very nice. Mom had this great surprise present for me which she'd been blabbering about for months and I had no fucking clue what she was talking about. Until the day after my birthday when she called me to the living room and I saw three of my best friends and my girlfriend sitting there. In the couch. All "hi surprise lol". It totally blew me off, I hadn't got the faintest idea everyone would be there! It was a very pleasant surprise, though, and I can't remember the last time I was so happy.

On the 18th we went out to celebrate. Some shopping took place before we went to this lovely Oriental restaurant called "The Imperial Bento". The food was amazing! After we'd eaten we went to a pub, The Witherspoons I believe? And I believe I got drunk for the first time in my life. Had a lot of fun, though, and everything was just perfect.

Next day we went out to do more shopping and then went to see the Hobbit. On Sunday they had to leave and I was left at home again. Wish they could come over again, I miss them all. ;A;

It wasn't all a dance on roses for me, though. Having them all over was lovely and great, but I also got to confirm something about my own feelings over my girlfriend which I am not quite sure how to handle. I don't really love her anymore. Not in the way I should, and I don't know how to handle that because just a little while ago she was the most beautiful person in the world to me. Now I don't feel that warm bubbly feeling around her and when we talk I just feel this... wall there? We barely have anything in common anymore and it frightens me. I know she is going through something in her personal life - she hasn't told me what, but I wont pry, so what if it all goes worse for her if I tell her I only want to be friends?

I don't want our friendship to end. But it's eating me from the inside, because she deserves someone who loves her as more than a good friend and I'm simply not that person anymore. I think I've might fallen for someone else with more similar interests like me and whom I honestly feel more comfortable talking with.

Of course, the answer to the whole dilemma is to take my girlfriend to the side and talk to her about it and be honest. I just don't know how to time it.

Love dilemma to the side, I haven't really been thinking about much. I miss Bergen again and really want to go home, but that's pretty much it. It's just the usual stuff going on, mood swings and I feel like something is mising in a way. There's this feeling gnawing at me, pushing me around, but I don't know what it is. I want to do something, go somewhere, something at all! But I don't know what it is at all.

And in a way I feel helpless. Here the other day I found out what a friend of mine had been through up through his life and I had no idea it was that bad! Like, he's opened up to me and told me how his brother died and all, but that didn't even to begin with how bad some of it was and I just feel so helpless. I should have noticed he needed someone to see, noticed how he needed someone to be there for him more than anyone was. And I don't know what to do, I want to talk to him - but face to face. Just so I can give him a huge hug and tell him everything will be fine and how the worst is over. But that's sort of difficult doing from another damn country!

So I am worried for a friend and I am worried for my cat. Cas disappeared a few days back and I am worried sick! He's never left further than the garden and now we haven't seen him at all. I really bonded with this cat, so I can't really rest well before I know if he's alright. If he's dead... Well. I'm prepared for it, but... Not sure I'll handle that. I'm still sort of shaken after Tardis disappeared - and most likely got killed by a fox.

Other than that, I am having an emotional rollercoaster ride - front row. To put it mildly, I am extremely homesick. I want to go home to Bergen and be a better support for my friends, see my friends! England was a great mistake I've regretted since five days before we begun the travel here. Wish I'd never told mom I wanted to educate myself over here. So homesickness is making me sad, the cat being gone is frustrating me - thus increasing sad feelings - mom has been really edgy lately and no matter what I do or say, I either get ugly comments which she believe are funny thrown in my face, or I get shouted at. It's tiring, I don't want my family relations to be like this. But I am the same, I know that. I comment wittily because people laugh at it, but being sarcastic and rather "mean" in a way is my way of defence. I can't help it, it's a habit which I unfortunately take out on my mother.

Mom, however, is not making it easy to stop. As said it's my defence system, it's a wall I build in front of me so words wont hurt me much. At least that's it's purpose. However, just here the other day mom was looking for her laptop charger. She asked me if I'd seen it, and I replied with "no I haven't, sorry, but shouldn't you have control over where it is? I mean, you packed your PC and the wires and stuff, so I assume..."

Something I shouldn't have done. Mom threw a fit all "god damn it Sara, don't be so snarky with me! Watch your mouth". It wasn't meant as sarcasm, or as a witty comment. I literally just asked if she didn't have control over it and that I hadn't seen it. For once I was just trying to be honest, which slaps me back in the face! Anyway, so I told her I didn't mean any harm with it. After a night of poor sleep, I was too tired to bother argue with her - what does she do? She starts an argument.
"You have no rights to be snarky with me, I'm your mother" she says. I simply reply with I really didn't mean anything with it, but using "I'm your mom" is an unfair excuse. Yes. I said my honest opinion. That excuse is the worst ever! Then she starts shouting. "No! NO! That's how it is! I'm your mother and there's a difference when I'm snarky with you as a parent than when you are snarky as my child!" Shocked, offended, pissed off and slightly hurt over her poor excuses and how we can't hold a conversation without arguing, I cross my arms and glare at her, asking her "so what you're saying is... It's okay for you to be a bitch to me because I'm your kid and you're my mother, but if I say or do the exact same to you, it's nearly a crime within the household?". I got a yes. Yes, it's apparently okay for her to verbally hurt me, bitch me around and throw hurtful comments at me because she is my mother. But I can't talk to her the way she talks to me - because I'm her kid.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be a bitch. It's an aspect about myself I know I have to change. Which I am trying to change. But in all honesty I do not see how that's fair. She's my mother, she expects me to treat her with the respect of a king, to treat her like a fucking god, but asking for a little respect in return... Ooohhh don't step the line, you'll make the God of Unfair Treatment fucking angry.

It ticks me off. She's even told me in earlier arguments/discussions that she, in fact, doesn't have to be fair because - guess what. She's my mom and I'm her daughter. Reason number one.
She doesn't seem to take in account how I didn't ask to be born. Surely, she was kind enough to bring my friends over for my birthday and she does some nice stuff here and there, but honestly, if I had the choice of being born or not... I would probably say "leave it, kid's not worth it."

A few acts of kindness doesn't erease a lifetime of sins - or whatever. My point is, I am so exhausted and tired of fighting with her, of arguing, of discussing, of being unfairly treated because I was brought to this world because she forgot to take her pill. So a few kind doings here and there... I barely take them in account (except from the birthday thing, gosh it was the best!). I'm just so tired...

Some say I should move out, pack my stuff and leave her behind. But I know with myself I'm not ready to live on my own, to work or study fulltime on my own and handle everything on myself. I'm terrified of how life works out there, I'm not interested in the life out there.

I'm not interested in anything anymore. My gut is twisting as if something bad's gonna happen, I feel empty. Nothing feels right, like for real. Nothing at all. I've reached a point in depression where I've realised my life has no further meaning for the greater good, it has no meaning for anything. I don't want it to have a meaning, I just want to rest. Once again, I've hit a stage I haven't been in forever - when I go to bed I wish I wont wake up the next morning.

I literally wish I wont wake up again. A nagging voice in the back of my head is telling me "Sara, no one would care. No one would miss you. Go to bed and never wake up again" and I want to listen to it, though I like to believe the voice is lying. So I don't.

But everything here in England is so tiring. Not physically, 'cause honestly I'm not doing a shit here. But I am so bottled up, mentally exhausted and tired of everything...

I don't know how much more water I can add to the glass before it flows over. How much more I can handle. I just.... Want to sleep and not wake up again.

But oh man, this turned depressive and DAMN LONG OH MY GOD. Uhm, I'll shut up now! Gosh, yes, that's pretty much it for an update. Oh, got some doodles laying around, here, take'em before I run off.

Cheers!
//  Ai.

London MCM Expo UGHUGHU

Oh gosh, I'm so sad the weekend has ended, I had so much fun and met so many nice people!
I don't even know where to begin to explain about it, ahhhh! Let's see, let's start from the beginning.

Friday:
The day when it all began, pff no, I wont be as cheesy as that. But it really was, though. I woke up around 09.00 and got dressed, stuffed some make-up in my face and headed out with mom. Considering I had never gone to the London ExCel center before, let alone London on MY OWN before, mom decided to accompany me just for the heck of it.
Which was fine with me. I didn't have to mess around in London all on my own.

We got to the train, which took about an hour from Peterborough to London King's Cross. From there on, we had to get on the Northern subway line to the Juilee line, which was at London Bridge. From there on we got on the Jubilee to Canning Town, where we then had to take the DLR to the con.

The trip was no sweat, just a bit stressful the first time.

We got to the ExCel center around 12 I think. I had no idea where I was supposed to meet up with people, as I knew I had to find Fia, Micki, Cim and Taschja somewhere during the day. As they stayed at a hotel about 5 minutes away, I didn't think they had arrived considering nothing opened before 2.

Mom was getting a cig when I figured I could go inside to see if I could get my wristband. As I tried to find out where to go inside, I thought I saw Micki and Cim, and as I took a proper look behind the wall of people, I saw Fia in her Merida cosplay.
A lot of hugging, squealing and meaningless babbling took place.

Fia and Micki joined me outside to tell mom I had found them, and then mom headed back to get home.

I hung around Fia and them all day and we didn't really do much. We walked around and took a look at the Alley, where all the stores were. I bought myself a Sonic Screwdriver.

^   I have really missed having one of these. <3

After some hours of walking around, we went to find something to eat. Daring as we were, we figured "hey, let's try Subway's baguettes" and I am glad we did. Those things are good! Holy fucking cheese, the chicken breast one; MMMH~

We soon went back to the Alley, looking around some more. Taschja left us a few times because she hung out with some Danish friends too, and she wanted to catch the Doctor Who panel. I wanted to go too, but there was so many people and I enjoyed my time with Fia, Micki and Cim. As Cim said; why stress to listen to some famous people talk about a show, when we can just talk about it whenever we want?

While Taschja was gone to catch a glimpse of Matt Smith (11th Doctor) and Billy Boyd (Pippin Took), we others came across the Artist Alley. Micki and Cim was gonna take a breather while Fia and I was gonna look for Alex, a friend of ours whom we were supposed to meet. Suspicious of how Alex had said she would sell her art, I suggested we'd go through the Artist Alley to look for her, just in case, and so we did. Or at least tried to.

Fia stopped at the first stand to look at the art. The style was nice and funny, and the artist sold some Homestuck stuff too. Now, Fia isn't really into Homestuck, nor is I, but Micki is. And PFFF the drawing I bought for her was just... What? You see, Fia saw this drawing of Dave Strider (think that's the dude's name) and Karkat walking all sneakily. And the faces was to die for, nearly literally. She laughed so hard, for so long, the guy who sold it began to laugh as well. And then I started to laugh, causing Fia to laugh herself to tears and that's how we kept laughing for ages. We got to talk with some other artists too, two-three of them was really nice and we ended up talking for a while, so after an hour Cim and Micki had enough and came to look for us. I got to buy some art stuff, though.

<  Bad Touch Trio; Antonio (Spain), Gilbert (Prussia) and Francis (France).
I fell in love with the art style, uhuh this will hang over my bed. <3

<  Same artist as the BTT one, I crack up laughing all the time omg. 

England having sex with the Kappa living in Japan's pond. How can one not laugh pffhfjf.

<  SuFin (Sweden X Finland) doujinshi. It's so ADORABLE OMG. Fia and I kept jumping around and squealing as we looked through it. It's so perfect omg <3

Friday went by rather quickly, and after the doors had closed at 19.00, we headed over to their hotel. It was small, but cosy, and I stayed there for about two hours or something. Oh, and we went to buy some food at Tesco. After that I had to go home, which also went well.

Saturday:

It began nearly the same as Friday, just without make-up. Pffh.

Mom and Kjell drove me to the train station, where I so headed to London on my own. It went really well, and within an hour and a half (or around so), I had arrived safely at the ExCel center.

Now, the day before, Fia and I had been desperately searching for a friend of ours; Jessica (or Jess). We met her as we left, but only for a minute or so, sadly enough, but we did get to meet her at Saturday.

I met up with them outside the building at 12:05 or something. Fia was Mèrida from Brave once again, while Jess was cosplaying as Jock!America of Hetalia.

Saturday went by so fast too, I don't know what to talk about pffhfhf.

I hung out with Jess, Fia, Micki, Cim and Taschja this day too, actually I did through the whole weekend, but pfff. Jess' girlfriend Mollie and a friend of theirs, Katie, joined as well. We met them early that day, when they had the most perfect Homestuck cosplay ever. I don't even.... I mean... Wow. It made me want to continue on the webcomic. (unfortunatelly I didn't get any photos, as I didn't bring my camera before on Sunday, but I can ask people if they can send me some pic ;v; )

Katie and Mollie went to their hotel to change to something more comfy, though. Some cosplay I don't know what is, but ughugh they were nice. And Mollie and Katie was really nice and funny too. 

I regret not bringing my camera, as Fia was till Mèrida, it would be nice to take some photos. And I'd like some photos of Cim and Taschja as well, they cosplayed Sherlock and JAAAWN. Micki was the Sufferer from Homestuck, and it was really nice. She didn't have shoes, though. Poor thing. ; v ;

We hung around, talking with some others too. Like a Moriarty cosplayer, Kat. She was really cool and pffhfhf she and Cim were so funny omg. We met a bunch of others too, but I don't remember their names.

But oh gosh, so many people recognized Fia, Micki and Cim! Y'now, since they're the cosplay group VändettA. It was so weird, it's like they were celebrities or something.

While Fia, Cim and Taschja was taking some photos, Micki, Jess and I sat around chilling. We begun to remove the first letter of everything, which was hillarious! Especially since Jess laughed so hard she started blushing, so Micki and I went all "JESS STAHP 'LUSHING" and it killed us.

Oh, and we're going to Weden to get 'stonia. Just FYI.

Oh, we went to the Artist Alley again, by the way. A person there was going to draw Fia some PruHun (Prussia X Hungary) as angels, which is Fia's AU, and wow. Just... wow! The drawing turned out amazing! Also, I bought more stuff.

<  Mawaru no Penguindrum fanart (love it omg), Hetalia fanart of Japan, Italy and Germany, two pages of a visual novel and a Gintama doujinshi in Chinese. THE STYLE AT THE GINTAMA ONE OMG. <3

<  Two of my fav artists from dA was in the Alley too ughguh. I got to meet them and tell them they're an inspiration to me and they were so nice! ;v;

The two small pics are from DestinyBlue, she's amazing and so nice! <3

We just hung around during Saturday, really. Once the doors closed, we were gonna hang out with Jess, Mollie and Katie at their hotel room, but first Micki had to shower off all the gray body paint, and stuff. So I hung out with Taschja. I got to see her drawings, and gosh! Her style is so adorable! Pff and she had to go and buy shampoo, so I accompanied her. We talked about everything, like how fun it was that we could talk in our native languages and still somewhat understand each other (she's Danish, I'm Norwegian as most people know pff). And how our family positions were, as I said, everything. She's so sweet. ;v;

After she got her shampoo, we went back to outside Expo and waited for Cim, Fia and Micki to come. Taschja was drawing while we talked, and when the others came we called Jess so she and the two others could come and pick us up. The hotel was right by the con, so it was okay.

There we ate some candy and just had a great time. Cim had them try something I tried the night before, crispbread with mild caviar. (IT IS HORRIBLE). They didn't really like it, though Fia discovered she liked it with chocolate. 

We also played a game; a game where we write a few sentences each on a story, then fold the paper so the others can't see when they continue it. It was so much fun. We laughed so hard of it all, it was hillarious!

We all have to illustrate to one of the stories too, I got this one;

"Gandalf was a very angry man, he tried to be nice, but it never worked because every time Karkat took his shoes off, he always ended up in an ocean full of crackers. So he stood up and shouted in the top of his lungs; "HOLY FUCK IT'S A GIANT FLOWER!" Said Mario.

He didn't like some flowers because sometimes when they wore socks with sandals. It was horrific. 

Suddenly Thor threw his hammer, Mjølnir, angrily in the sea. Those damn fish! 

He was dead.

Forever lost in the void of the unknown for eternity. When eternity ended, Snape wanted to build a pink house for John. John on the other hand, still claimed that he wasn't gay. But Sherlock knew that he would soon prove him wrong. 

Soon."

Oh gosh, we all laughed so hard at this one. This is what happens when you continue to write on something and you have no clue what's going on.

Ahh I wish I could write one of the others too, it was so good. Oh my gosh, there was something about Tony Stark flying outside in his Iron Man suit when he crashed into a void shaped like an anus. He then poked Sherlock in the ass with a stick, going all "I WANT CANDY" and Sherlock then puked up kittens.

We all laughed. So. Hard. Omg.

After we finished reading and laughing our way through all the finished products, I had to go home. Jess and Katie were kind enough to walk me to the DLR, though it was only, like, 3 minutes away pfff.

Sunday:

Yesterday went really well too, though my voice was a mess because of all the shouting, laughing and weird sounds I'd make the two previous days. Like the day before, I headed to the convention and got there at ca. 12, though this time I didn't know where to meet up. So I tried to call Fia to figure out where everyone was.

Didn't get an answer.

Nope, she didn't hear her phone, so I figured she didn't have pockets in her Denmark cosplay. Well, after a minute I got a text message;

"Jag kör bil. Jag ringer upp senare."

Okay, I thought. She's driving a car. In London. Why? Why would she be driving in a city she's only been in once before when she doesn't have a car? Did she rent one? What? I was so confused, but I just replied with "oh okay, sorry ;A;" before sitting down to wait for them.

After half an hour of doing nothing, I figured I could just as well go to the Alley and get stuff for my friends. I got a gift for Fu, Kèrri and for Milla at that moment. And I got myself an alpaca plush.

<   Fia and I named him Alpanini. I'm gonna get him a bow-tie too. <3 ^










Reason to why I called him Alpanini is because when me and the VändettA left Expo, a girl cosplaying Switzerland showed up and no one heard her name properly. I think it was Virginia or something, but Fia just shot up going "Your name is Panini?! What?!" and later on that escalated to name my alpaca to Alpanini.

But anyway! I didn't know where to meet people and was wandering around the Alley when I got a new message from Fia going all "what what what I am not driving who wrote that omg" and then I got to know where to go. I went to meet them and found basically everyone in this heavy atmosphere and ughgu. I didn't know what was going on, so things was really awkward for a while.

The heavy atmosphere went away pretty quickly, though. And I even remembered to bring my camera, so I took quite some pics of Fia and Micki as Denmark and Norway. I took some of Jess too~!

Here, have some photos.

<  Fia & Micki as Denmark and Norway

<  Fia, Jess and Micki as Denmark, Jock!America and Norway

<  Butt Jess' hand, Cim, Fia & Micki as a butt, Canada, Denmark and Norway

<  Jess as Jock!America, she's such a butt omg. <3

 <  Fia, Micki and Jess being normal as always. :'D

 <  Jess being Jess~ ovo

<  Micki as Norway

<  Fia and Micki being very much Denmark and Norway

We didn't do much afterwards, we just hung around taking it easy. Fia decided she wanted to try something, so she began to draw for coke and candy, and it worked! People bought a few drawings from her, and I was slaving for her, advertising her sales.

The con closed at 5 that day, which was sad as Jess had to leave then to reach her bus. There was a little crying and a lot of hugging involved, and ughughu I miss her so much! ;A;

I hope to hang out with her, and perhaps Katie and Mollie as well sometime. They were so niceeeeommgnhg.

Oh, right before Jess left I hurried to the Alley to buy a gift for Xei. I got one, and I also got myself a wig and some keychains!

<  P-Chan (Ranma 1/2), Agni (Kuroshitsuji) and Arthur Kirkland/England (Hetalia) keychains.

I love the P-Chan one! Ughughu. <3

Anyway, VändettA and I stayed at the ExCel center a few more hours after Jess left. Kat kept us company and stuff, and Cim and I kept discussing shippings and fandoms.

I swear, oh my god, we have the excact same taste in series, movies and ships! Why have I not talked with her earlier???

Ahhh and she even watches Torchwood and ship Jack/Ianto! We're gonna RP it and ughuhsghf!!

Ahh, but yeah. Forgot to mention that Taschja had to leave early! Anyway, Cim, Fia, Micki and I left the ExCel center around.... I dunno, 19.30 or 20.00? They were changing hotel, so they had to get to Victoria Station. I decided to join as I had nothing better to do, and they wanted someone who had been there before to show the way. And so I did. 

That's where Fia and I came up with Alpanini for my Alpaca plush, ughugh <3

I joined them to the station and we decided to meet up at Piccadilly Circus tomorrow, which is gonna be fun! Ahh I look so much forward to it. Oh, and it's possible Cim will come to my place when there's Confusion in Sweden, since she didn't get a ticket. Might as well go to England and do some Christmas shopping then. Pff. But that's gonna be nice, some company isn't bad. ; v ;

After I said bye to them at the station, I headed home. My back hurts like fuck after a weekend of walking around non-stop, but pffh oh well. I look forward til tomorrow aahahhahagshdh!

OH and here, have a photo or two of me in my new wig. Might gonna use it to cosplay Hikaru from OHHSC sometime, or just make an OC. I just loved the color. <3

But yes, Expo was fantastic! I had so much fun, and I got to meet such amazing people. JESS I MISS YOU, YOU LITTLE SNOPP! <3

Looking forward till tomorrow, it's gonna be fun to just hang out in London with Micki, Fia and Cim. ;v;

Ai over and out~ ovo/

Life update + EXCITEMENT OMG

Ah, been a while since I updated something positive, hasn't it?

Well, I can begin to say things are going forward technically. I still have my ups and downs when it comes to my mood, but nothing I can't handle, really. 

I've gotten a job. Yeah, currently I work as a volunteer at an animal shelter. It's nice there, I like the animals, but I am not too sure about the hygene. The fruit they give the monkeys, emus and other animals are literally rotten. They just cut off the moldy parts and then feed it to the animals.

Not very hygenic at all, and it annoys me. Also, though I like it there at some aspects, I still have this really strong feeling in my gut as if I don't really belong there. You know what I mean? Like I'm a misfitted piece of a puzzle.

Still, work means I'm getting out and that is definitaly positive. Also, I've gotten more interested in acting and singing. Pff I've spent at least two weeks learning songs and at singing, mom must be going mad soon. I still don't like my voice, though. 

Oh, and gonna start learning musical chords and start playing the piano. I have an electric piano in my living room, so this ought to be interesting~ ; v ;

Mom's been spoiling me too. She's spammed me with pokemon cards and figures, shirts and now we're waiting for some bow-ties, ties and vests that she's bought. Dunno what's gotten into her. In one moment she's all happy and spams me with stuff I want, in the next she's shouting at me because I made a joke.

Pff she's weird.

My writers inspiration is coming back as well, which is nice. I can thank Fia for that, it came back after we started to RP with our UTAUs, Yone and KIDNEY. Now we're doing a Hungary X Prussia RP as well, which has gotten me really pumped about writing. Ughughu. QvQ

Gonna color my hair this weekend, though it wont be any different. The red color in my hair is fading to pumpkin orange, and I don't like it. So I'm waiting for red hair dye cream, which will probably come tomorrow while I'm in London.

LONDON. FOR MCM EXPO. Am I excited? YES!!! AJSHJDKGS

I sure hope Kerrie can come, though. Or else I'll be going alone, which will be awkward. But omg I am really excited to meet Fia, Mica, Cim and Taschja! I've spent a lot of time the past month(s) talking with Fia and I look SO MUCH FORWARD TO THIS UGHUGH. and Jess, oh gosh I get to meet Jess! AHHHH!!! ;; v ;;

I am currently in a state of being UNCONTROLLABLY EXCITED AKHSJDL.

Hiya!

Figured I've been posting too much depressing shit lately, I could fill this blog with some love as well. <3

Things are going alright here in Peterborough. I really miss home, but it's only a matter of days now before I go back to Bergen for Raptus. Not looking forward to the trip over, though. I'm such a nervewrack when it comes to long distance official transport, and switching trains and whatnots are just not something I look forward to.
But I will manage, the trip -back- is the worst part.

Anyway, I am looking forward to see everyone again. My god how I miss them! <3 ;O;
Urm, what else? Oh! I've joined this wildlife rescue-thing. I don't get to work, so I'm gonna sign up for a wildlife rescue senter as well for exotic animals as well. Gonna be great!

Also gotten some new friends, online that is. I'm still all "can't believe this" as they are two of my fav artists ever on Deviantart, and somehow during one of them's streams they recognized me from dA and now we're gonna meet up at London MCM Expo in October. c:
It really cheered me up talking with them too, as I've been down lately. ;O;

Opened two accounts on Fanfiction.net as well, though you'll only get to know one of them; AiyariBakaPie.
If you're interested in my written shit go there. c:

Mrrrh~ think that's pretty much it, really. I do draw a little, but that's only traditional as my retarded dad has lost the pen. =_=

Over and out ~
// Ai

Arrived in the UK.

Title explains itself, I have arrived in England. It's nice here, but I have to say this is something I wish I never did.

It's as they all say, you don't know what you have before it's gone. I miss everyone in Bergen, I miss Tegneloftet, I miss those moments where I can pick up the phone and call the gang, going "hi guys, wanna meet up tomorrow?".

*smashes head in the wall* I really am beginning to regret this whole "moving to England" thing. I wanna go home to my friends, my family. I miss how it didn't cost a fortune to visit my girlfriend.

I just wanna go home.

Finally!

Life feels pretty good at the moment, summer is here, I have figured out what I want to do with my art, I am becoming more social and taking risks I usually would be too scared to take.... Oh, and of course, the time for England is closing by real fast. Got a phone call from mom earlier, she was all "I'm in the house now, the contract has been sign and we have a key!". So we now have a house in Peterborough.

These feels, I can't possible contain them all.

My hair will be cut and dyed on Monday, after that I hope I can take a fairly okay picture of me which I can add in an application. Ugh, I hate having photos of me taken, I'm not photogenic at ALL. Not to mention how awkwardly bad skin I have. Bla-bla-bla, girl problems, I know.

Just now I got this really strong urge to cosplay something. Of course, because of my luck, I don't own any cosplay at all. I wanna cosplay and make a little video with someone. ; A ;

Other than that, it feels like my writing is going somewhere as well. Lately I've been on a roll when it comes to Lord of the Rings, so I re-wrote my OC Tuluwen's story. I'm really happy with it so far, as I feel like I managed to deepen my way of writing in a direction I feel comfortable with.

Last weekend I was also at Desucon, and boy did I have a great time! My next convention will hopefully be London MCM Expo in October, and I hope I will be able to go to NärCon in Sweden next year. C:
I WANT TO COSPLAY AT THE NEXT CON DAMNIT.

- Ai

So many thoughts, so little time. >u>

I AM DRAWING AGAIN. *shot*  No really, I am trying to practice a new style. It's difficult, but at last I think I know where I wanna go with my art. Also I want a new chibi style. The one I have now reminds too much of the style a previous friend has, so I want to change it. However, it's very hard. I don't know how I want it. D:

Also, Desucon is closing by and I am really psyched for it. I look so much forward to it! There are so many people I miss from Banzaicon whom I'll meet again, and I look so much forward to hang out with my girlfriend. <3
Unfortunately, for this con I'm broke as fuck. I will barely have enough money for food... |D

Lately I have found myself growing tired of cartoons and anime. It's strange, as it feels like I am changing for something that's not the "me" I am used to know. I've given a lot more thought into voice acting and acting in general, and it's something I am seriously considering. I have also given a lot of thought to who I want to be, and how I want to approach that change. I need to change. I want to be more secure in myself and what I do, and I want to be proud of who I am.

Past is past, I have to kick my ass in motion and get over it.

I noticed how conventions actually helps me in the progress of getting more social. Usually I don't like being the odd man out, after a hard past from school, but after Banzaicon I discovered how much nicer it is to just be myself and have fun. Gradually I am changing back to the "me" I was in 8th grade, when I dared to be different from everyone else.

As for the acting and all, I remember how much I loved it when I was in elementary school. We didn't have many plays, but I enjoyed that bump in the bottom of your gut when you're about to enter stage. I enjoyed it so much, I usually memorized the whole script. Hopefully I will be able to change so much, I actually dare to take acting classes when I move to England. That will be my main goal for now.

Other than that, I have been thinking about other things. More serious matters about myself. Don't worry, it's not anything depressing or anything, but lately I have found myself wondering "just what am I? What is my identity?". Giving it a serious thought, I still hasn't gotten to an answer yet. But I know with myself that I'm not a feminine type of character. Whenever I wear something girly, I feel... wrong in a way. I can't do it anymore. I want to be more feminine in a way, but I have realized that's mostly because I am still scared to be too different. It's not "me" to be very girly, but we'll see. I'll give it a try, though for now I feel more and more like a guy. >u>

New fandom indeed ~

The Avengers isn't healthy for me. Really, I've been thinking about like nothing else. Also seen "Thor" like... four or five times. And I've seen Iron Man three times. >_>

Tomorrow I'll watch the Avengers for the third time with Milla, Lise and maybe I-Ki. Looking forward to that, it's gonna be fun. C:

Other than that, I suppose nothing much is going on. Mom and Kjell is in England, been so for a week now. They're coming home on Friday, ugh. Or there's the possibility of only Kjell coming home. Hopefully mom comes too, I hate the man. I can't stand the thought of being alone with him for god knows how long...

Also I have to go and meet dad someday soon... Kèrri's tablet pen is there. Do not want.
Possibly I'll meet him on saturday, oh the joy.

Just wanna say I have made a blog for bawing. However, I wont link you all to it. xD
If you wanna find it, I bet there are ways to do so. The title isn't too difficult to think out. I just need a place to vent sometimes, and I don't feel comfortable doing so in this blog. It feels like I am bothering everyone by doing so, so... yeah.

Now excuse me while I go and watch Thor for the 6th time and to fangirl over Tom Hiddleston. :I *shot*

- Ai

Atlas...

... Is a bitch. :I
Just saying.

Serahhhh stop being uselesssss.! *table-flips at Serah Farron*

Alone at last ~

Yup, mom and Kjell has left for Peterborough. The house is mine for 2 weeks. Ohohoh ~

Now, do something about this heat. It's too damn warm outside. :U


- Ai

Omg, I live.

Just a little update as I am really bored, and the classroom doesn't open before in like... 20 minutes or so.

I don't know what to talk about though, can say I have gone into a little Pokèmon spree again. Not the games, though. Strangely enough only the music and doodling. Don't get me wrong, I do love the games. They are a huge part of my life, but lately it's just so... mainstream. Know what I mean? Everyone is talking about it, ESPECIALLY the upcoming "Pokèmon Black & White 2", which I for one, don't look forward to. At. All. It's just not good old pokèmon anymore. Creativity, please?

Ah, yes. I mentioned doodles. Please ignore them, though. I didn't have ref for anythingggg.

First one is of my OC, Jamie in her Team Rocket uniform AKA her real self. Other one is of her in her "undercover" clothes. Agh, I don't like her... And Charizards are a PAIN in the freaking ASS to draw with no ref. Yes, I know his wings are missing on the second doodle. I never got to draw them.

Any other updates...? Thanks to my granny's attitude, my mood is dropping again. Not to the "bawwww life sucks, mofo", but more just... like I don't feel well about anything. And when my mood drops, I don't feel up for drawing. Ffffh, I have so many ideas I wanna get downnnn. //tableflip//

Everything seems to piss me off today.

Oh, right. Free comic book day tomorrow. Actually, I'm looking forward to meet some people who was at Banzai. I kinda miss them. Since I am going home today, I just hope my mood lightens up. If not it's not gonna be fun at all. //rolls over//

Anyway, I guess that's all. Now please excuse me while I go cry in a corner because of all the awesome artists out there I wanna be like. //shot//

~ Ai

Yes, I am alive.

Sorry for not having updated in a while. I've been dead with personal stuff, like school and drawing and such.

Anyway, been working on a new character the last few days. I've quite fallen for him, actually. His name is Senshi Tsukitan, and he is an assassin. I wont bother to write his whole story here, if you wanna know, ask me.

But yeah. Been working on this fella a lot. 

Other than that, I've actually been to a convention! Yeah, I was to Banzaicon in Larvik and it was amazing. I had so much fun there, and I met so many amazing people. <3

I am looking forward to Desucon now, Milla and Kèrri is joining. Fffh. <3

More personal-ish, I've started to see a school psyciatrist. I still feel depressed, though, so it doesn't help much yet. I have my happy-moments, but they seem to appear more and more rarely. Usually I paste a fake smile on my face, though. It works more or less. 

I guess that is more or less it. Mom's going to England in a month for two weeks. Looking forward to have the house for myself.

Over and out ~

- Ai

That which is yet to come ~

Because my titles make no sense.

Today's the cosplay cafe, later today that is. Looking forward to it, though because of mom and the dog I have to go home early. Like, 19.30 today kind of early, and it doesn't end before 18.00 tomorrow. Damnit.
Oh well, at least I get to watch the Cosplays ~

It appears that Sabrina is going to Banzaicon as well, gonna be fun! :D
It's not far away now ~ Oh gosh, I'm looking so much forward to it! Though I doubt I will be able to cosplay anything after all... My Italy cosplay isn't savable, it simply enough doesn't fit. And I don't have a wig nor any form of contact lenses. Wanted to cosplay casual Prussia, so I was supposed to borrow a wig from Lizzy, but she sold it yesterday. ; n ;
Oh well. D:

Maybe I'll get myself some nice cosplay for Desucon - which Milla is perhaps going to as well. Omg, I'm looking so much forward to... everything these days! ; u ;
What I'm looking most forward to, though, is to glomp Xei-chan! <3

Anyway, got some K-pop from Milla yesterday. I am forever in her debt for giving me SNSD (Girl's Generation) and Super Junior songs! <3
*listens to Mr. Simple for the millionth time*

... Here, have some doodles. :I

 She has new hairstyle now :I

Though I don't care if people draw her with the short version ~ 

 .... I was bored and felt like drawing Ai and Yori. >u>

 BUTTWING <3

And a request from Xei ~ <3

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MY DRAWING STYLE?!

Don't think I have anything else to mention at the moment. ouo

*sneaks to watch Naruto Shippuuden and download music*

This amazing title is amazing.

Hi y'all ~

Once again I am coming with a useless update, and as usual I don't have much to update about.

Tomorrow there will be a Cosplay cafe at 1880 Ungdomshuset in Bergen, which I am more or less exited about, yet I don't really wanna go. Of course, I have to go, I'm a host.

It's not that I'm not looking forward to it, it's just that I haven't done much to help, so I feel bad just thinking about the whole project. Lizzy has fixed nearly anything, and now I'm broke on top of it all, so I can't even help buying food.

But yeah, other news ~
Let's see... England is secured, we're moving this summer! Woohoo ~
Looking forward to it. It's so strange to think that I'll live there in November. >_>
... FFFFFF- MOM FOUND TICKETS FOR FINAL FANTASY ANNIVERSARY CONCERT NOVEMBER 2ND! YAY! Omg, I hope she's kind enough to buy it for me! ; A ;
Omgomgomgomg... I wanna go!

... Ignore me. >_>
Anyway, next update I will stuff some doodles in. Don't have time at the moment and I feel like posting this shit right now.

..... I should stop geeking Azer's deviantart. http://frzdragon.deviantart.com/
She affects my style. >_>

... See you guys later. <3

Anatomy? What is that?

As the title so gently describes, I have yet to discover what this so called "anatomy" truly is.

Anyway, done some doodles so take them. *tosses them in your face*

I... I don't know. I wanted to draw something Legend of Zelda-ish and ended up with this. Most anatomically correct shit I have drawn for years. Anatomy? What? Never heard of. >_>

And I wanted a new pokémon trainer. She's named Lira Irwin and she is a former ranger. >u>

Vaine Hollows, a rather new OC if mine. I've had him for months, but never had the chance to draw him properly. He's an asshole who is often sarcastic, he's blind and he sees through birds as he sold his eyes to a bird demon in order to save some person I haven't created yet. The person later betrayed him, so he doesn't trust anyone any longer. |D

Have a terrible sketch of Vaine that's non-chibi. Never bothered to finish it, so I randomly colored his eyes because I could. =u=--b

Getting into doodling my Hetalia OC Bergen, so here. Have this 10-15 min. doodle. >_>
I hate it, so why do I even bother to upload it here...?
Anyway, yeah. Anatomy? Propotions? I have no idea what you're talking about. Didn't spend much time on this shit and I was bored, so I colored it lazily. Very lazily.

I want a pillow like that... Just with Prussia's flag on it, or England... >u>


Anyway, maybe you want some proper update? I've been to our new house today. Yup, new house. We're moving tomorrow -again- to some place where doctors used to live. It's okay enough, but I've stopped to see places as home now. No where feels like home any longer. Meh. xD
If things goes correctly, which I hope they do, I'll be heading to England when summer break starts, meaning I will actually live in England when LFCC comes. Wow.. Surreal to think about.

Also going to get myself a female Prussia cosplay. Casual, though, I look like crap in unif- FUCK! D:
I just remembered! The lovely jacket Lizzy sewed for me! FFFFUCK FUCK FUCK! Prussia's jacketttt! Lizzyyyy ~ it burnt down! ; A ;
I'm so sorry for destroying it so soon! AGH! D8
And yet you fixed me a new Italia-wig. I'm not worthy of your kindness! ;; A ;;

Over and out ~
*goes and dies somewhere*