For those who care, the following days after Expo I mostly hung out with Fia, Micki and Cim in London. Expo was finished Sunday, I was home at Monday, though on Tuesday and Wednesday I was with them and had a great time.
We went to The Forbidden Planet (which is fucking heaven, I swear! Omfg!) where I almost felt sorry for Micki and Fia who had to hang around and wait for Cim and me to finish fret and run crazy among all the comic. We bought some stuff and left after... what.. 2 hours?
We didn't do much other than to walk around and look, though on Wednesday we ran around to find Baker Street and some other Sherlock-related places.
They left back to Sweden on Thursday, so I haven't really seen them since. Though we skype a lot - I especially talk with Fia and Cim a lot. I MISS THEM AHGHAH. Hopefully I can save up to go to NärCon in Sweden this summer, though. That's my great goal!
But of course, that is months ago! Christmas has passed as well as my birthday and now I have filled 18. Not only that, I have entered a new fandom; Rise of the Guardians and I am basically counting down when the DVD is released. Also we've moved to a new house. Here, have a sneak peek on my bedroom.
I'll fix a better photo as soon as I've got everything where it should be. Also - on an different note - I really love my new microphone.
So basically the last few weeks has been hectic due to the moving. It went well, however, and the house - or at least my bedroom - is starting to feel like home. The rest of the house is nice too, though still a little "stiff" in a way? Like, I'm not used to it and we haven't gotten all the furniture up yet and placed it all where it should be.
As soon as everything is the way it should, I'll post some photos to show how it is here.
On an other note, my birthday was very nice. Mom had this great surprise present for me which she'd been blabbering about for months and I had no fucking clue what she was talking about. Until the day after my birthday when she called me to the living room and I saw three of my best friends and my girlfriend sitting there. In the couch. All "hi surprise lol". It totally blew me off, I hadn't got the faintest idea everyone would be there! It was a very pleasant surprise, though, and I can't remember the last time I was so happy.
On the 18th we went out to celebrate. Some shopping took place before we went to this lovely Oriental restaurant called "The Imperial Bento". The food was amazing! After we'd eaten we went to a pub, The Witherspoons I believe? And I believe I got drunk for the first time in my life. Had a lot of fun, though, and everything was just perfect.
Next day we went out to do more shopping and then went to see the Hobbit. On Sunday they had to leave and I was left at home again. Wish they could come over again, I miss them all. ;A;
It wasn't all a dance on roses for me, though. Having them all over was lovely and great, but I also got to confirm something about my own feelings over my girlfriend which I am not quite sure how to handle. I don't really love her anymore. Not in the way I should, and I don't know how to handle that because just a little while ago she was the most beautiful person in the world to me. Now I don't feel that warm bubbly feeling around her and when we talk I just feel this... wall there? We barely have anything in common anymore and it frightens me. I know she is going through something in her personal life - she hasn't told me what, but I wont pry, so what if it all goes worse for her if I tell her I only want to be friends?
I don't want our friendship to end. But it's eating me from the inside, because she deserves someone who loves her as more than a good friend and I'm simply not that person anymore. I think I've might fallen for someone else with more similar interests like me and whom I honestly feel more comfortable talking with.
Of course, the answer to the whole dilemma is to take my girlfriend to the side and talk to her about it and be honest. I just don't know how to time it.
Love dilemma to the side, I haven't really been thinking about much. I miss Bergen again and really want to go home, but that's pretty much it. It's just the usual stuff going on, mood swings and I feel like something is mising in a way. There's this feeling gnawing at me, pushing me around, but I don't know what it is. I want to do something, go somewhere, something at all! But I don't know what it is at all.
And in a way I feel helpless. Here the other day I found out what a friend of mine had been through up through his life and I had no idea it was that bad! Like, he's opened up to me and told me how his brother died and all, but that didn't even to begin with how bad some of it was and I just feel so helpless. I should have noticed he needed someone to see, noticed how he needed someone to be there for him more than anyone was. And I don't know what to do, I want to talk to him - but face to face. Just so I can give him a huge hug and tell him everything will be fine and how the worst is over. But that's sort of difficult doing from another damn country!
So I am worried for a friend and I am worried for my cat. Cas disappeared a few days back and I am worried sick! He's never left further than the garden and now we haven't seen him at all. I really bonded with this cat, so I can't really rest well before I know if he's alright. If he's dead... Well. I'm prepared for it, but... Not sure I'll handle that. I'm still sort of shaken after Tardis disappeared - and most likely got killed by a fox.
Other than that, I am having an emotional rollercoaster ride - front row. To put it mildly, I am extremely homesick. I want to go home to Bergen and be a better support for my friends, see my friends! England was a great mistake I've regretted since five days before we begun the travel here. Wish I'd never told mom I wanted to educate myself over here. So homesickness is making me sad, the cat being gone is frustrating me - thus increasing sad feelings - mom has been really edgy lately and no matter what I do or say, I either get ugly comments which she believe are funny thrown in my face, or I get shouted at. It's tiring, I don't want my family relations to be like this. But I am the same, I know that. I comment wittily because people laugh at it, but being sarcastic and rather "mean" in a way is my way of defence. I can't help it, it's a habit which I unfortunately take out on my mother.
Mom, however, is not making it easy to stop. As said it's my defence system, it's a wall I build in front of me so words wont hurt me much. At least that's it's purpose. However, just here the other day mom was looking for her laptop charger. She asked me if I'd seen it, and I replied with "no I haven't, sorry, but shouldn't you have control over where it is? I mean, you packed your PC and the wires and stuff, so I assume..."
Something I shouldn't have done. Mom threw a fit all "god damn it Sara, don't be so snarky with me! Watch your mouth". It wasn't meant as sarcasm, or as a witty comment. I literally just asked if she didn't have control over it and that I hadn't seen it. For once I was just trying to be honest, which slaps me back in the face! Anyway, so I told her I didn't mean any harm with it. After a night of poor sleep, I was too tired to bother argue with her - what does she do? She starts an argument.
"You have no rights to be snarky with me, I'm your mother" she says. I simply reply with I really didn't mean anything with it, but using "I'm your mom" is an unfair excuse. Yes. I said my honest opinion. That excuse is the worst ever! Then she starts shouting. "No! NO! That's how it is! I'm your mother and there's a difference when I'm snarky with you as a parent than when you are snarky as my child!" Shocked, offended, pissed off and slightly hurt over her poor excuses and how we can't hold a conversation without arguing, I cross my arms and glare at her, asking her "so what you're saying is... It's okay for you to be a bitch to me because I'm your kid and you're my mother, but if I say or do the exact same to you, it's nearly a crime within the household?". I got a yes. Yes, it's apparently okay for her to verbally hurt me, bitch me around and throw hurtful comments at me because she is my mother. But I can't talk to her the way she talks to me - because I'm her kid.
Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be a bitch. It's an aspect about myself I know I have to change. Which I am trying to change. But in all honesty I do not see how that's fair. She's my mother, she expects me to treat her with the respect of a king, to treat her like a fucking god, but asking for a little respect in return... Ooohhh don't step the line, you'll make the God of Unfair Treatment fucking angry.
It ticks me off. She's even told me in earlier arguments/discussions that she, in fact, doesn't have to be fair because - guess what. She's my mom and I'm her daughter. Reason number one.
She doesn't seem to take in account how I didn't ask to be born. Surely, she was kind enough to bring my friends over for my birthday and she does some nice stuff here and there, but honestly, if I had the choice of being born or not... I would probably say "leave it, kid's not worth it."
A few acts of kindness doesn't erease a lifetime of sins - or whatever. My point is, I am so exhausted and tired of fighting with her, of arguing, of discussing, of being unfairly treated because I was brought to this world because she forgot to take her pill. So a few kind doings here and there... I barely take them in account (except from the birthday thing, gosh it was the best!). I'm just so tired...
Some say I should move out, pack my stuff and leave her behind. But I know with myself I'm not ready to live on my own, to work or study fulltime on my own and handle everything on myself. I'm terrified of how life works out there, I'm not interested in the life out there.
I'm not interested in anything anymore. My gut is twisting as if something bad's gonna happen, I feel empty. Nothing feels right, like for real. Nothing at all. I've reached a point in depression where I've realised my life has no further meaning for the greater good, it has no meaning for anything. I don't want it to have a meaning, I just want to rest. Once again, I've hit a stage I haven't been in forever - when I go to bed I wish I wont wake up the next morning.
I literally wish I wont wake up again. A nagging voice in the back of my head is telling me "Sara, no one would care. No one would miss you. Go to bed and never wake up again" and I want to listen to it, though I like to believe the voice is lying. So I don't.
But everything here in England is so tiring. Not physically, 'cause honestly I'm not doing a shit here. But I am so bottled up, mentally exhausted and tired of everything...
I don't know how much more water I can add to the glass before it flows over. How much more I can handle. I just.... Want to sleep and not wake up again.
But oh man, this turned depressive and DAMN LONG OH MY GOD. Uhm, I'll shut up now! Gosh, yes, that's pretty much it for an update. Oh, got some doodles laying around, here, take'em before I run off.
Cheers!
// Ai.
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