New post I guess, yay?

Wow.. Now that I think about it, is there even a single happy post in this freaking thing? Oh god, I'm such an emo kid! D:

No really, this wont really be a happy post either. More like a "I need to get everything out" kinda blog.
So yeah, don't bother to read this if you don't wanna. (why do I even bother to say that, no one reads this shit. xD)



So anyway, lately I've been at a loss. I somehow can't seem to get my mood up, I think too much and this time I don't seem to find a way out of it. Ever had that feeling that no matter what you do, you're useelss? Yeah, that feeling's been lingering inside me for over a year now and it keep getting stronger.
I watch my friends going through hard times, of course we all do sometimes, but it feels like whatever I do I just make it worse. I hurt those around me because I don't watch my mouth, or I do something that others doesn't like. Yet I never know what it is before it's too late, it feels like it's impossible for someone like me to change.
My mind has also been wrapped around a lot lately. I thought I was a strong person who handled most things with a certain amount of pride and strength, but apparently not. My mood have fallen a great level, and my thoughts raised, ever since the house burnt down. I can't seem to get any art done, I can't write... I can't do anything. It's like I'm stuck in time and can't move on. At first it felt like I could deal with it, like it wasn't so bad you know? Well, maybe it was after all.

I have been recomended by my teacher to seek help at the school psyciatrist, but honestly  I don't feel like that will do any good. I don't like talking with people I don't know. Of course, I know I should talk to people more, open more. But for some reason, I even feel it difficult to talk with those who are close to me. I'm scared they will dislike me, even hate me, if I do. LIke I push my problems on them when they have it far, far worse. I mean, come on. I'm just a whiny brat, I have no reason to complain just because I have my ugly head stuck in the past. Also I know that if I do open up and talk, I'll start crying. Most likely, anyway, and I don't want that to happen. I hate being seen while I cry, there's a reason I only do it when I'm in my own room, or during night when no one sees me.
I guess I hate being seen as the weak one, yet I don't want to act like I'm all strong anymore. Because honestly, I'm not. I am probably the weakest person I know for not daring to talk with my friends, to not tell anyone when I don't like what they do to me.

To be honest, I don't have the rights to be down. As I said in my previous post, I have confessed to the girl I like. She said she felt the same way, and this truly made me happy. Yet, I feel uncertain about how things will go. What will happen? How do two people even get together? I mean, I am too scared to even ask her! I don't know what to do.

But enough bawing from me. See you all.

~ Ai